


Cuba: The Fourth Thing That Never Happened to Duncan Kane

by NeoVenus22



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-27
Updated: 2009-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-05 08:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five things that never happened to Duncan Kane. AU. The fourth thing, with vampires and British men.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cuba: The Fourth Thing That Never Happened to Duncan Kane

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Season 1.

"We have a slight problem," said Lilly, looking up from her magazine as Duncan dumped his soccer bag on the kitchen floor.

In Lilly's world, 'slight problem' could mean "I broke a nail," or "Logan didn't use a condom last night," or anything in between. Duncan sat down, trying to prepare himself, but realizing it was impossible. "Shoot."

Lilly frowned, as though she wasn't quite sure how to say it. Finally, she sighed and said, "I'm the Slayer."

Duncan stared blankly. "The what?"

"The Slayer."

"The what-er?"

"The _Slayer_."

"Like... the band..?" he hedged, confused beyond all reason.

Lilly sighed deeply. "You are so utterly useless, Donut. No. Not like the band. A Slayer, as in, one who slays."

He had no idea what she was talking about. "What do you slay?"

"Vampires. Oh, and also, some old British dude is going to come live with us in a few days."

"How old?"

"Like, a teacher old. No, more like, a school librarian old."

"Okay, I think even Mom and Dad can't pretend to ignore that."

She waved aside his concern. "I wouldn't worry. I told them he was our new butler."

* * *

The next week was one of the toughest and weirdest Duncan had ever lived through, and living with Lilly, he hadn't thought that possible. Driving home from a party Friday night, Lilly had unexpectedly screeched the car over to the curb, and grabbed a couple making out on the sidewalk. Duncan had just been opening the passenger door to go over and see what the hell was up when Lilly jammed a stick of wood into the guy.

The guy had burst into dust.

Lilly patted the girl on the shoulder, who thanked her tearfully, and then got back in the car without so much as a second thought. The passenger side door flapped in the air as Lilly peeled away from the curb just as loudly and dramatically as she'd parked at it. Duncan pulled it shut and stared wide-eyed at his sister. "What was that?"

"Vampire," she said nonchalantly. "Getting a little bold with some girl from the neighborhood."

"Are there... a _lot_ of vampires in Neptune?" he asked, feeling the world turn upside-down.

"Enough to keep me busy," she said brightly, as though stabbing a guy into a pile of dust was nothing.

* * *

The day after that occurrence, an old British dude came to live with them, just as Lilly had said. He hadn't seem interested in Duncan or his parents much more than introducing himself as Nigel. Instead, he spent his time trailing Lilly, constantly pestering her by waving heavy, dusty books in her direction.

"I am an _educator_," the butler said, somehow managing to pronounce every letter in the word. Duncan had accidentally walked in on an argument, not for the first time, but certainly for the loudest time.

"Well then _educate_ people towards my room when they come looking for me! I can't believe you told Dick to go home!"

"Slayers aren't supposed to have friends, Lilly. Previous Slayers —individual Slayers, even— have averted _numerous_ apocalypses, whereas _you_ can't even avert your grade point average out of the failing range."

"Please." Lilly waved the idea decide. "I'll get by on my copious good looks, and my copious amounts of cash. Who needs to know when the War of 1812 was?"

Duncan thought he saw a vein throb in Nigel's forehead. "Regardless of your regular studies, you should at least be focusing on your _Slayer_ studies. You wouldn't know a Ffarlak demon if it came up, waved its arms about, and snarled in your face."

"So what? If it looks bad, kill it." Lilly yawned and examined her manicure.

"Well then you wouldn't know that it can't be killed be the usual procedures. You'd have to—"

"What-_ever_, London. Next time someone comes looking for me, you better damn well let them in. I thought the Brits were all about hospitality, anyway."

"As your Watcher, I can't allow frivolous social gatherings in place of your training."

Lilly beamed, and Duncan recognized it instantly as her 'idea' look. Poor Nigel had no idea what he was in for. He was about to get steamrolled. "Well, that's it, then. Those are my training buddies. Next time you see Logan and Veronica, send them right up; they're here for a good old-fashioned sparring session." She seemed to have more teeth than usual, fixing Nigel with a dangerous smile. "You know how I believe in doing things the old school way." She looked up and spotted Duncan lurking. "Donut!" she squealed, and he mentally cursed himself for getting caught. "Call Veronica, and tell her to come over."

Within the hour, the three of them were sitting around Lilly's room with a pile of decrepit books, and Nigel hovering disconcertingly in the doorway. "Wait..." said Veronica. "You're a what?"

"That's what I said," muttered Duncan.

"A Slayer," said Lilly cheerfully. "I slay vampires. And other demons too, I guess," she added, casting a dark look in Nigel's direction, "which is where _you_ two come in."

Duncan exchanged a glance with Veronica, who looked just as baffled and reluctant and interested as he felt.

"You guys are both straight-A students, and, well, you know I'm not too good with reading boring things, so you're going to go through these dull old books, and find out all the fascinating demon trivia you can. You'll then report to Nigel, who will give you a nice puppy treat for such good work, and then he'll tell me, and then I'll kill things appropriately."

"And what will you be doing, while we're slaving away?" asked Veronica.

Lilly grinned. "Tanning."

From the doorway, Nigel coughed and straightened. "I will have to object to that..."

"Just 'cause the vamps can't go out in the sun doesn't mean that _I_ can't. Catch you bookworms later!"

* * *

Two months later, Veronica flounced over to Duncan's locker, brandishing a copy of Demonology for Dummies, which she promptly dumped into his hand. "I quit."

"What?" he asked, tucking it into his backpack with his English notebook.

"Being Lilly's research slave. I quit. And you should, too."

"Why?" he said. "She's the Slayer, Veronica. She needs us."

"This is too much. I can't take it anymore." She glanced around furtively to see if anyone was listening before she hissed, "My dad is threatening an investigation into Nigel because I spend so much time with him. I failed three pop quizzes in a row because Lilly keeps dragging me on patrol with her at night. And last week, Lilly stabbed our history teacher in the _chest_."

Duncan shut his locker door. "He was a demon. And he killed Carrie Bishop."

"I want to go to college, Duncan! But no school is going to care whether or not I'm fluent in Sumerian."

He finally dared to look at her. There was definite pain in her eyes, but underneath that, was a certain defiance he recognized in his sister but not in his girlfriend. Lilly was influencing Veronica, whether either of them knew it or not.

"I don't want a part of this anymore," she said firmly. "People are _dying_, Duncan."

"And they'll stop dying because you quit doing research? Veronica, Lilly can't do this on her own."

"She's 'Chosen'; she'll manage." Veronica blinked away a tear. "I'm sorry. I just can't anymore. Please say you'll quit, too. I hate to think you'll be in danger every day."

She was giving him an ultimatum, he realized. He never thought this was possible. He loved Veronica, more than anything, and that was why this decision was so hard. It was also why this decision was so right.

"I'd be in danger either way," he said. "This way, I can do something about it."

She stared at him sadly. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I'm sorry you feel _that_ way."

Veronica kissed his cheek, having to stretch to do so. He closed his eyes at the touch, and he knew it was the last time. "Keep yourself safe, Duncan."

* * *

Not for the first time, Jake and Celeste Kane were threatening to fire Nigel, seeing as how he was a lousy butler, and the only reason he was there at all was because Duncan and Lilly, for whatever reason, refused to let him go.

Logan looked up from his tome on the Xamethora demon, spread out next to him on a lounge chair. Lately their research sessions took place next to the pool. "These things spit acid. Was that necessary for me to know?"

"No, it was necessary for _me_ to know. How far a range?" asked Lilly.

"I dunno, you figure it out," said Logan, pushing the book towards her and reclining. "This sucks, you know. Why can't Veronica do all of this?"

"Veronica, in case you haven't noticed, dumped Duncan and quit the research business."

"I always knew she was the smart one of the group," sighed Logan. "No, seriously, though, Lil. How long are we going to keep this up?"

Lilly shrugged. "Until I die. Or graduate. Whichever comes first. Nigel's insisting that I go and find this abyss of all evil thing. It's the mouth to Hell or something."

"I thought that was Neptune."

"No, Neptune has good shopping."

There was a long pause before Logan announced he was going to Mexico for awhile with Dick and Cassidy. "I need to get away," he said. "You understand."

"Yeah, don't be surprised if you come back and I've got a new boyfriend," Lilly muttered, stalking into the house.

"You should come with, DK," said Logan earnestly. "You need a break, too."

Duncan glanced at the door out of the corner of his eye. "It's cool," he said. "But thanks."

Logan stared at him for a moment, but Duncan knew that only one of them would be leaving Neptune. The group was slowly falling apart. First Veronica, and it looked like Logan would be next. It seemed they both wanted him to quit, as well. What neither of them understood was how important Duncan thought it was that Lilly had support. All of his life, he'd gone along with Lilly's crazy schemes, and this was just another one. Logan and Veronica never saw how shaken Lilly looked coming home after a patrol, or how ashen Nigel appeared sometimes. Lilly would never admit it, but she really needed them around. And Duncan didn't intend to abandon her.

The boys dangled their feet in the pool. "She's worse than she ever was," Logan muttered. "I mean, this is more dangerous than her drinking, even. She doesn't know what she's doing, and she doesn't seem to care. If she'd listen to Nigel for five seconds... well, he's always going on about the last Slayer. And Lilly is never going to be that girl. She's going to get herself hurt."

"I know," said Duncan. And he knew very well. But just like with all of Lilly's other dangerous habits, he was going to get her back. She was the only sister he had, after all.

* * *

Duncan was just getting out of soccer practice when he felt his phone vibrating in his bag. He pulled it out, discovering that Lilly had left a voicemail message half an hour ago. "Duncan, we have a problem. Logan's dad is big-time with the blood-sucking." Aaron Echolls, one of the biggest names in box office sales, was a vampire? "He—" Lilly started to say, but the message cut out there.

Duncan drove home as fast as the speed limit would allow, but he had a feeling in his gut. When he arrived at the Kane estate, Nigel was nowhere to be seen. Lilly, on the other hand, was. She was spread out on the pool deck, limbs akimbo, eyes glassy, and a head wound bleeding freshly down her jaw line and onto her pep squad uniform. He examined her neck, and didn't see any telltale marks, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. He called the police. He comforted his parents. He called the Council in London. He killed Nigel when the Watcher reappeared as the undead. He perched on Lilly's tombstone the night of her funeral.

She looked just the same as ever when she rose from the dead, only a little more pallid. They'd buried her in a completely inappropriate white dress (inappropriate for Lilly, in any case), and the overall pale effect made her look more like a ghost than a vampire. He staked her right in the heart before she had the chance to call him Donut again. Then he swept what he could of the dust into the hole in her grave, patted down the earth, and went home.

Veronica had a series of boyfriends after breaking up with Duncan. There was Troy, who ended up being a demon. Leo was a perfectly normal cop, but Veronica got her dad to pull some strings at the sheriff's department, and had him transferred elsewhere, claiming he'd never be safe in Neptune. Not long after that, she and Logan became a public couple. Duncan, who had been in contact with the Council since Lilly's death, decided he had no more reason to stay. He went down to Cuba to train the new Slayer, as per the Council's request.

The petite brunette came into the kitchen, giving his scraggly beard an affectionate poke. Her name was Maria, she was an orphan and had been, up until a month ago, homeless. She'd never had a boyfriend. Duncan suspected she had a crush on him. "Hey, Duncan. We have a slight problem."


End file.
